I haven't written in a while. Part of the reason is because life gets busy. The other part is because I just haven't had it in me. We all go through "droughts" of some type at some point, right? Well, I am back. Bear with me as I attempt to water my words in hopes that they will grow in to something with meaning.
This year has been a year of loss for our family. I don't know the reason this season is upon us, but it has been a lot to bear. We lost one of our best friends on New Year's Day, David lost his grandma, and then I lost my uncle.
In August, we lost our baby.
We went in for my first appointment expecting everything to be normal like it was with our daughter. The whole pregnancy was horrifying from the first ultrasound. I had three sacs which had the potential of being triplets. Two were blighted ovums. One was a baby with no sign of a fetal pole, heartbeat, or anything. We did more ultrasounds. We waited. I had my HCG levels tested and they were dropping. Each time we went in for an ultrasound, instead of progressing - the sac and anything in it was deteriorating.
I opted to have the d&c on August 6 due to the risk of a pretty heavy miscarriage given the situation. I was 9 weeks and 3 days along. I cried when I got there. I cried before they put me under. I cried when I woke up and asked "is it over?"
I felt intense guilt. I was under a large amount of stress due to our schedules, work, and everything else going on during those 9 weeks of pregnancy. I was sick most of the time. I probably didn't rest like I needed to. I blamed myself for it.
There came a point when I realized that it was not my fault. Something was wrong with the pregnancy from the beginning and nature just ran its course. As a mother, that wasn't easy for me to grasp at the time.
My husband and I have both accepted that it just wasn't meant to be. It was painful at first, but that pain is going away. I believe this experience has given us the courage to make some serious life changes that has allowed more time for our family. I now work in town and my husband will be staying home with the girls. We will have freedom and flexibility. The kids will have consistency and love. Even though this experience was painful, I know it wasn't the right time. I learned that we have each other, and that could be gone at any time. The timing is not our own, but what we do as the result of a bad experience determines how our future will be.
RIP Baby Timmons. We will always love you even though we never met you. You have given us so much even though you'll never be here with us. I know you have some pretty amazing angels up there with you.
08/06/2012
